I can time this.
I could have it down to a fine science.
I could know when it's going to come back, every down to the minute.

I don't know what good that would do though.
I don't think I would be able to stop it at all.
It's not like there is anything I would stock up on.
Anything to make it any easier.

When I told him that I wasn't ok, I really did mean it.
No one ever believes anyone else when they say something like that.
They should.
I should.

And I'm sure I'll make it though, just because I always do.
That won't make it pass any quicker, won't make it any easier on him.
My only hope is that I can keep it to myself for the most part.
Leave him out of it, not drag him down.
That wouldn't be fair.

Ask me to scream.
I'll show you what the true meaning of that word is.
- posted by Catherine @ 3/21/2006 02:46:00 PM (0) comments

 
I keep having this thought bloom in my mind;

'I'm going to kill myself'

I figure as long as I have the energy to stamp it out something is still making it worth it.
- posted by Catherine @ 1/30/2006 09:32:00 PM (0) comments

 
the only reason that i don't hang myself from the hook in my ceiling is that I'm afraid of the mess it would make.
- posted by Catherine @ 1/30/2006 09:32:00 PM (0) comments

 
I'm left here thinking; if I was to die today, if my heart were to explode in my chest, what would be left unsaid. What would I regret to have left leaving hanging in the air above our heads?

I can think of a million conversations that I would thirst for in hell, I know I'm going there.

But to see anyone there, to feel the true sting of regret as their soul passes by mine, their thoughts and emotions galvanized as to what they feel about me.

In my vision of hell all things are solid. There is nothing left to change. People feel what they felt in life only they it's stronger than ever. They hated you in life but detest even the ground you walk on in death.

Yes, this means that this vision includes an afterlife. A misty gray world, with little dead gray trees.

*shrugs*
what’s my point?

miscommunication and apathy. The two things I would change about this world.
- posted by Catherine @ 1/04/2006 12:16:00 AM (0) comments

 
I do these study's. I do these fucking study's. All of these people trying to understand the kids that slash at their wrists to escape the pain. People trying to understand suicide. People dissecting my head, looking for the answer thats going to save someone who has the money's kid.

I can't tell you, i can't explain for you what it is to want to die.
I can't make you see that I'm not thinking about myself. I'm not thinking about anyone. I just want the end to be here.
and its not worth going on
and its not worth getting up again
and its not worth having people tear you down just because they can
having them leave
having them come back and expecting to see you there waiting for them

I'm not trying to do anyone else a favor. But I'm also not trying to hurt you.
I'm just trying to fade into the background.

you'll forget me in a year anyway, thats the way death works. People move on. You'll move on.
- posted by Catherine @ 12/21/2005 09:24:00 PM (0) comments

 
I wasn't there
I'm not involved
I'm innocent
Its not my fault
- posted by Catherine @ 10/26/2005 10:25:00 AM (0) comments

 
Something that works works and thats the end of that.

Who ever thought that I would be that girl sitting in the shower hiding in the noise and the blood that slithers away from her?

I didn't think I would be her twice.
- posted by Catherine @ 10/10/2005 03:55:00 PM (0) comments

 
There is nothing in the is world that I want more, or have wanted more, in the last few days then to run a razor down my arm and end this.

Some days I'm just more crazy and less control.
- posted by Catherine @ 9/27/2005 10:13:00 PM (0) comments