a promise I can't make
because I can't keep it
everyone wants me to promise them never to do it again.
I get wreasled to the ground, pinned down and told to promise.
I won't budge.
I am kissed and wispered sweet nothings with this promise thrown it.
I refuse.

I won't make a promise I can't keep.
its sad that they don't see that everytime they ask I want nothing more than to carve myself up
slice myself to shreds.
destroy this thing that they find so appealing and show them who I am.



- posted by Catherine @ 10/31/2004 05:55:00 PM (0) comments

 
weak
to weak to live?
and yet how it that I still walk around the living?
maybe thats exactly what it is then...walking around the living
even with recent events having occured I know that as always my head will hit the pilow and I will fall asleep with the one thought of 'I want to die' and when I wake up in the morning; I will wish that I didn't and I will have that thought circle again in my mind.
I cryed tonight.
I cryed into virgin arms...or at least they were to my plight
and I have never been so candid with an individual in so short a time.
I don't know if thats a good thing or a bad thing.
all I now is that we have to add another tick to the suicide tally
shitty eh?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And as I sit here I can watch you throw it all away.
all of that potential to the wind
I could warn you as much as I like
I can plead my case until the end of the world
but you can't hear me
a sad fact
I guess I'm not screaming loud enough

-------

and this is the end my friend...for someone here
can't you feel the shift in the wind?


- posted by Catherine @ 10/30/2004 10:33:00 PM (0) comments

 
Rejected
I was rejected this evening, by one of the most beautiful and kind guys on the face of the planet. For his girlfriend who still lives in the Ukraine...half a continent and ocean and europe away. He just moved like 3 months ago and I met him at safe walk, something that I volenteer for. This evening I decided to tell him that I liked him and that I was wondering if he liked me at all back. And it started off alright with; I like you also but, and there is always a but. But he's worried cuz he just moved here and doesn't know much about the culture and as a small side note has a girlfriend back home. Right...well that stings, kinda like hot needles in the eyes.
But I hope that he's still ok with us being friends, seeing as I cought my liking him in the eary stages and should be able to squash it easily.
I'm sad...even though I know I shouldn't be cuz theres another boy that seems to really like me. I'll find out how much tommorow. For anyone thats wondering thats what put the sense of urgancy into talking to Dennis; Benedict likes me and I didn't want to lead both of them on at the same time. Though they don't know about eachother.
I wish that I could wait for Dennis, cuz I really like him, but Ben is to nice of a guy to pass up.
My heart hurts...I hope its not breaking again

- posted by Catherine @ 10/25/2004 10:48:00 PM (0) comments

 
the closer I get to feeling, the further that I feel from alright.
and its true
every time I hear that amazing song I can't not cry
it reminds me of almost all of my friends
but espechaily marilyn
its so sad
and rachel was so nice to me
I shall write her a letter.
intresting how ever sentance has to be a diffrent line
no matter

if I look like I can't stand to live...please don't remind me that I am still here, just leave me be. It sucks when hug hurts more than anything.

- posted by Catherine @ 10/24/2004 02:03:00 PM (0) comments

 
Home
It doesn't seem to touch me here
that sadness I know
would overwhelm me if I was to step outside

So I hide out
here in my sanctuary

don't tell me what day it is
don't remind me of any of this
leave me to my silence

believe in my own ability to remember
when I least want to
believe in my ability to never forget
even if I did wish to

I think I shall sleep now,
but please
lie to me when I wake up
and tell me that it was all a horrible dream
but that it will be ok now

even though I know it was
and will never be
ok

I write about a fake hope
something that I can only remember
for I can not even dream of it now
and I don't know why I do
only that I do

and yes this is me becoming wholly human
and my own self
in this, the human condition


- posted by Catherine @ 10/03/2004 01:37:00 PM (0) comments