Cold and Sharp
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
then, my orange sprayed me on the cheek
Sitting here, muching on my orange and all seems well in my world...minus a slight pain in my left ear.
This senario hardly sounds like grounds for a post here, but the guitar cords that follow my orange spraying me make it one.
One of our many 'off limits' songs just finished playing on the radio. And I remember just how much I miss Luke. Usually its just a dull throb in that region just between your chest and stomach. But as I listened to all those lines that I committed to memory nearly 8 months ago I feel it as if Bev had just told us the news.
I wish I could say that I've left flowers on his grave nearly enough to make sure that he knows that we still care, but I can't. I hope that he knows, or knew just how much we love and loved him.
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Done here
I have the distinct feeling that I will be done here very soon. If things keep on going the way that their going. If people keep on doing what thier doing. I will have to leave to save myself. Mostly really to save their sanity as I seem to wear on it so.
No faze in my life ever seems to last for over a year. And its all my fault, I know.
I don't know where I'm going to go or what I'm going to do. Cold and alone, again.
I'm scared...because this is the first time that I've actually recodnized this shift.
As long as its good for the people that want it, I'm fine...
I'll just sleep until I find a new safe place. Even is its the dark.
No one ever looks for you there.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Things that I'm scared of 1.5;
The sound of balloons popping
people telling me to leave
girls yelling
girls fuming
angry dogs
letting someone down
failing in my endeavors
but the one that got me into a fit last night was; eye drops. I am deathly afraid of eye drops.
Retarded I know. But I've been afraid of them since I was a kid. You never knew when it was actually going to drip into your eye and my mother would get so mad when I moved my head out of the way.
I stressed and freaked out for at least half and hour last night about these stupid eye drops that i have to take to get rid of this blasted pink eye, to the point that my father had to talk me into it, saying that I'm an adult now and should be able to get over a childhood fear, but he knows how much I hate them so he didn't push me all that much. But something that I've learned from Marilyn, there are always two ways to do something. So I tried to figure out my alternative. One of the biggest parts that I don’t like is not knowing when its going to go into my eye, so I figured out a way that I could watch it happen. tilted my head to the side and let it drip into the side of my eye as I watched in the mirror.
I'm happy that I figured out a way to get it done.
Doesn't mean that they don't still scare the living shit out of me, just means that I figured out a way their not quite as scary...
call me crazy, but its one of my things.
just never wave the damb things around in front of my face, violence is my only defense. I mean if I just sat down you could get it in my eye...no, I would rather take out your knees first.
Thursday, March 10, 2005
how unfortunate
I don't care about what you guys say, or rather I do care, it just doesn't change what I think about this
For the past few days I've actually been eating and not worrying about it
how stupid of me, how absolutly horrible, what was I thinking? What am I thinking!?
I've gained...7lb's
thats no small number and I feel huge.
so, what am I going to do about this?
I really don't know
I shall watch what I eat more
and be more careful
more lists, it'll help
go and workout or swim...even though I can't really swim anymore
makes me wonder if I could ever really swim at all
I feel compleatly useless
and fat
so don't bug me about it
and don't try and talk me out of it
cuz its true
*shoots self*
how unfortunate
I don't care about what you guys say, or rather I do care, it just doesn't change what I think about this
For the past few days I've actually been eating and not worrying about it
how stupid of me, how absolutly horrible, what was I thinking? What am I thinking!?
I've gained...7lb's
thats no small number and I feel huge.
so, what am I going to do about this?
I really don't know
I shall watch what I eat more
and be more careful
more lists, it'll help
go and workout or swim...even though I can't really swim anymore
makes me wonder if I could ever really swim at all
I feel compleatly useless
and fat
so don't bug me about it
and don't try and talk me out of it
cuz its true
*shoots self*
If you're not, please 
