how?
Do I manage to pull shit like this, or rather how does my brain manage to actually convince me of all these strange things? How do I beleive that all of these huge things in my life are all just magnificent lies. I have such a guilt complex, so when that happens I'm all torn up inside from ever telling anyone a lie of that scale. So I have to go through everything that I've written, through all my memories and peice the real story together again. Its sad that everytime I do it turns out to be this really shitty story and that i get all fucked up about that. But at least I haven't lied. I would kill myself if I ever lied like that. I don't think I could ever bring myself to do something like that.
- posted by Catherine @ 7/13/2005 08:28:00 PM (0) comments

 
lathargic
I'm really fucked up right now...about a lot of stuff.
Nothing seems to be as willing as it was in the past to fade away, or maybe I just made myself think that it got better sooner than it did.

I'm all screwed up about our freindly new produce boy. I can't stand the thought of my mother or anything that her laywer wants me to do. I'm pissed that the car is gone and that with it so much more. I want to die so badly because I'm such a waste of space.
I can't stand pictures of me, It forces me to see everything that wrong with me. Honestly I don't look at myself, ever. Not in the mirror as I brush my teeth, not as I fix my hair. Nothing. THrough years of careful training I never actually look at myself. Why? Because if I do it hits me again as to how horribly ugly I am. I don't give a shit what you say, we obviously don't agree.
I find myself watching those secret deoderant ads, looking that the animated girls waist's and actually beleiving thats what it is to be normal, that is what I should strive for.

The only reason I don't carve myself up now if for fear of being yelled at.
I hate being yelled at.
Or even scolded.
but we all know this.

I want to be happy again. But that requires not over sleeping all the time, which is the only way I get away from all of this, only to land somewhere that can be tremendously worse.
I don't know what to do.

I feel so alone.
I want to go driving, listening to your music in the car. But we can't now. How did I invest so much in a vehical?
- posted by Catherine @ 7/06/2005 07:53:00 PM (1) comments