Tierd
Every once and a while I remember why I find such solace in these...things. In all of this. In the dark, in how the cold seems so warm.

I don't know what I'm supposed to say. How can I take back the truth? I want to scream it out. I didn’t' lie. I didn't. god I don't know what else to say. Why would I? Why would I do something like that? I know that there are those who don't believe me even though they tell me they do. They lie. Hypocrites.
But I can't change any of it

so I shall just sit here
and think on the good things
or at least try too

- posted by Catherine @ 1/23/2005 03:49:00 PM (0) comments

 
Inside out
I feel bad because my mind is odd.
I mean I can be just sitting there and all of a sudden I feel like crap. No reason, no ones fault. Nothing. All I need is some time and preferably some one to be there to tell me that no the world is not spinning and that the world is not swallowing me as I stand or lie there.
So...yesh

A few days ago I woke up from a really bad dream were Ben decided that he hated me and that he didn't want to talk to me anymore. I woke up so depressed, I went to bed depressed and woke up worse after all my dreams. All I wanted to do was bleed out, loose my grip on life and keep on bleeding. Instead I took a shower. Which seems like an odd choice, but it works for me...for my mental well-being, so that I didn't break down, I took a blade with me. So now I have 7 new ones on my ribs. I figure that’s better than dead. I know I could never commit suicide in a shower.

I don't know where this is going or what my point is.
So I shall be quite now.

- posted by Catherine @ 1/19/2005 08:47:00 PM (0) comments

 
What's better?
The high that comes is the same. The same chemicals course through my head and I feel the same weightlessness that brings me back again and again. But which is better?
I love both of them
one steel
one soft human flesh, and idealistic thoughts

but can I really personify the steel to be anywhere near this boy? The one that professes he loves me so much? Did the razor ever say those things to me? The slicing sound of blade through air, or the soft sound of it against skin...would that ever match a whisper holding such hope as those that have beteaned my ear as of late?
...you tell me

I could get scolded for both of them, though I seem to be more easily scolded for the one that is coldest to my touch. The boy asks me never to visit this illegitimate lover of mine, but the metal never tells me to do anything, I am never scolded for going to him instead...

But to give this thing such characteristics of a person. This inanimate piece of scrap the same considerations as I do the feelings of another person. This seems so crazy.

In fact it is.

I am still torn...how can logic fail me like this? How does emotion always blur the lines!?

- posted by Catherine @ 1/13/2005 09:57:00 PM (1) comments

 
Conversations
When ever is comes to talking about why I always feel like shit. All these thoughts just fly across my mind and I feel like shit. I don't know what to do about it and what I used to do isn't going to get me anywere. I mean I'll feel better. God I would feel so much better. But, really, I should do something else. So far I've just figured that sitting here/there feeling like shit is a step in the right direction. But really it just makes me feel like dieing and I remember why I started in the first place. I need an alternative.
And I know that people will tell me that they are the alternative, but really I have to find something inside of me that I can use. I can't have myself running to others all the time looking for what I can't find in myself. I can't rely on them all the time. Because what happens when they die? What happens when they leave? Or take back what they have said? I can't bet with those chances...
So I just hope that I find that something soon.
That would be so nice...
But what do I do in the mean time?
- posted by Catherine @ 1/12/2005 09:31:00 PM (0) comments

 
banished
from the common area on 4 Mac, where Mar calles home and where we hang out. I guess there are people that just don't like us there. So far though all I've heard from people is anger that we've been kicked out.
It makes me sad...rather I was much sadder about it before but now I think I'm alright, a little peeved but ok. Mostly though I don't like that Topher didn't have the sand to come and talk to us himself.
I don't know...I clean and I bring a VCR for all the happy little kid-lets, I do anything that people ask me to with out question and yet there are still those people that don't like me. Its not for lack of trying to make friends thats for sure. I'm almost prepared to guve up on all of them but its really not in my nature so I can't really. I'm not going to take the VCR away and I'll still lend them all of my movies, I'm not going to be mean even though they have been. One day I need to be able to be mean though...perhaps. bah, I'm sure that I'm mean enough. I manage to hurt enough people...

Mostly I'm just sad that I've managed to make some people hate me...right when I thought I was actually starting to be a decent person


- posted by Catherine @ 1/07/2005 11:50:00 PM (0) comments