Cold and Sharp
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
*boggled*
How can parents leave there child/children locked in dog cages and fee them earthworms for their whole lives?
And what exactly happens to these kids when they don't get found, do their parents keep them there until they die?
do they let them out when their 18 or something?
I am so fucking boggled by the whole idea..
I don't even know why I'm thinking about this.
Sunday, June 26, 2005
...
Today was, or is the 25.
And oddly enough I woke up and it was a new day. I felt like I could conquer anything, anything in my path. Be it physical or mental, even though I knew which day it was.
And all was well.
Sure I had spend an entire night tossing and turning anticipating nightmare in their worst forms, but truthfully they hadn’t come.
And yes, I did find it a little harder to handle the banter that follow Keven and Melissa everywhere.
I would have rather spent my day wandering around Red Deer, having fun, than locked in this house Too much time for my mind to continue to ignore anything that might bother me.
I decided that I might as well just face the demon. Not force myself to think about anything, no. But allow myself to feel. So I picked up the only book that I have found, in recent memory anyway that allows me to do that. I have realized that I don’t find Sisterhood depressing it just lets me feel, for the characters, for myself. Walls come down for the author and her words.
So I cried while Melissa slept and Keven watched her.
I didn’t cry for memories, I just cried.
He did look back at one point and see the tears, and I have never had a more reassuring face made in my direction before.
I want to come home tonight.
Maybe if I ask really nice Keven will let me
More over, I would like to go out and dance, shake the sadness out of my bones and scare the memories back to where they belong.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
I love this song;
The widow, by the marsbolta...thats the way it sounds out so thats how I'm going to spell it.
Thursday, June 09, 2005
I'm sad but I'm not but I am
I have to move.
I couldn't go back to school if I wanted to.
I'm mad that I can't be as angry as those who don't even have anything wrong with their lives. I'm mad that I can't be that fucked up, that I can't run around asking for attechion at every turn and that I can't throw my self off the building because of what I have to stay for. I'm mad that I'm too mature to do it, when in my life was I ever allowed to truley be immature. I mean I can do stupid shit. We can steal as many pilons as we like but to really be immature. To...be brittany. I'm even more pissed though that for this second in time I want to be her for a little while. Which in its own way mkaes perfect sense because if I was her I could just let go and fuck off to where ever I want to go and not care. But there are to many things here that I care about, to many to leave, to many to actually consider leaving . To much stuff going on to many things that have to be amnages and mismanaged. And I wander how I keep making it through this shit, as each thing in my life is taken away and ripped to shreds. I wonder too just how much I'm going to be left with in a few years time or if I will be able to amas enough that lose losses could be comforted by what I have gained. And if this is life, this seeminly eternal game of loosing things and having to work to get other new things into your life, is the whole point I am very disapointed.
But thats just my perspective right now.
I don't want to pack up my room again, I've done enoughpacking in my life and I fanialy ended up exactly where I had wanted to be; back home. But now I have to leave again and never return. How will I drive past that house and not go down and drive way and walk in like its mine, because it is...it once was. We built that house. And now it will be gone.
The one thing she knew that I really wanted to keep. My safe haven, stolen. She wins.
Ah, watch me angst until my head falls off.
If you're not, please 
