I'm sad but I'm not but I am
I have to move.
I couldn't go back to school if I wanted to.
I'm mad that I can't be as angry as those who don't even have anything wrong with their lives. I'm mad that I can't be that fucked up, that I can't run around asking for attechion at every turn and that I can't throw my self off the building because of what I have to stay for. I'm mad that I'm too mature to do it, when in my life was I ever allowed to truley be immature. I mean I can do stupid shit. We can steal as many pilons as we like but to really be immature. To...be brittany. I'm even more pissed though that for this second in time I want to be her for a little while. Which in its own way mkaes perfect sense because if I was her I could just let go and fuck off to where ever I want to go and not care. But there are to many things here that I care about, to many to leave, to many to actually consider leaving . To much stuff going on to many things that have to be amnages and mismanaged. And I wander how I keep making it through this shit, as each thing in my life is taken away and ripped to shreds. I wonder too just how much I'm going to be left with in a few years time or if I will be able to amas enough that lose losses could be comforted by what I have gained. And if this is life, this seeminly eternal game of loosing things and having to work to get other new things into your life, is the whole point I am very disapointed.

But thats just my perspective right now.
I don't want to pack up my room again, I've done enoughpacking in my life and I fanialy ended up exactly where I had wanted to be; back home. But now I have to leave again and never return. How will I drive past that house and not go down and drive way and walk in like its mine, because it is...it once was. We built that house. And now it will be gone.

The one thing she knew that I really wanted to keep. My safe haven, stolen. She wins.

Ah, watch me angst until my head falls off.
- posted by Catherine @ 6/09/2005 06:38:00 PM